A Page From the Diary of a Fifty Year Old

Hello Diary! I Hope you are doing fine, it has been a while since we last met. But, see dear, I am here to share my ramblings and secrets and decisions with you. You are quite a sweetheart, it’s like something is always there for me whenever I feel like having someone around me and listen to my words.

You know, it’s 2:30 am and I am still awake. Even though, I should be horribly tired by now, I  am not sleepy yet. Something is bothering…Ahh ! damn these thoughts.

The thing is, I went to a colleague’s daughter’s wedding today. I hardly get time to attend such parties, get-together and family functions, you know why, right? Whatever the case be, at least I always try not to disappoint those who never forget me without prior thinking whether I am in touch or not.

Party was magnificently organized. Decoration, flowers, lights, food, laughter, everything was full-on. I met my old friends and colleagues and some known faces whom I don’t remember anymore. I was wearing one of my expensive sarees which I had not worn from a long time. I was enjoying the party, the silly after-retirement jokes and friendly conversations, compliments for my beautiful attire, until that awkward moment arrived !

Yes, the moment I always want to resist but as much as I do, it follows me. Calm down! It was not anything that frightening but something which almost embarrass me on such public occasions. It was the time to click a group photograph. Photographer asked all of us to stand with our better-halves. As soon as I heard this, my face became pale at once.I was standing there in a side and was watching my colleagues and friends taking their positions with their partners beside them. I was somewhat lost in my thoughts and all of a sudden, the photographer looked at me with a confused expression and then waved at me to adjust myself in the extreme right of the row. I hurled an embarrassed smile at him with a minute eye-contact and stood exactly where he gestured the extreme right of that row. Well, This is also what I did in my life too. I chose to stand with what seemed extremely right to me, without having any companion or better half to stand beside me.

Photo session, gossips, dinner, presents, everything was over and it was time to leave. Everyone was leaving in pairs and me ? well you know.

It is not like I have not faced such situations and questions before, in fact there was a time when I answered them quite boldly. Everything was good today except that uncomfortable expression of that photographer, which is why I am unable to sleep. Actually, my mind is deeply contemplating since I am back from the party, I even forgot to take my daily night bath. These thoughts are driving me mad, you know dear, you can’t control them. Thoughts which are about my personal life. Thoughts regarding my marriage, thoughts of having children, thoughts about possessing a full-fledged family . It is not often when I think of such things. But today it’s different. I haven’t got over it yet.

You know seeing people holding hands, walking together with no one at my own side makes a difference to me, not always, but I confess, many a times. And today it was one of those times. You know what bothers is that I have nobody to blame around me and the one who is, is not responsible.

There was a time when I was young and beautiful, had my career all set, hell lot of aspirations, had a loving and caring family with me, but what went wrong, were the circumstances, for what I was not prepared. I was twenty-five and mom and dad were searching a perfect life partner for their daughter.

And they had found the one for me and things were finalized. I was about to being engaged. I still remember it was one of those lazy Sunday mornings. It was 9:00 am and I was half asleep because I had a late night chat with Sanjay, the one who was going to be my life partner. Life was like a lovely dream those days, you know the phase between engagement and marriage. I was absolutely loving that new phase. All of a sudden, that Sunday morning became one of the unforgettable and horrible morning of my life. Somebody phoned to give the terrible news of my father’s and brother’s accident. The train by which they were coming home met an accident. And in few moments, my world was finished, my life was paused. I lost my father in that train accident and my younger brother was in coma and was handicapped. All his upcoming life was a curse. My mother was unconscious since she took that call. I suffered a huge loss. I was really close to my father whose smiling face often comes in front of my eyes. I miss him everyday.Doctors informed me that my mother’s unconsciousness might prove dreadful, if she could not get normal in few days. Another disaster happened to me, and I lost my mother, she was not able to suffer that pain and stress and left me all alone forever.

It was time for me to take a lifetime decision and I said no to my would be in-laws because Sanjay’s parents were not ready to include my brother in their family now, as he was in coma. Though Sanjay himself was ready to be on my side and support me but could not go against his parents and thus I had to leave them and break the knot.

I did what seemed right to me and I never thought that in this world no one would accept me with having my handicapped brother beside me. I chose to walk alone and take care of my brother on my own. My whole life was changed, I completed my job with many a difficulties, my days became hectic and exhausting. Though after many years of efforts and treatment, he gained his consciousness back but his condition was even more pathetic after it. He had become totally dependent on me for almost everything. But I could not leave him alone to die and took it as a challenge of my life.

I heard it somewhere that life is like that. When you have the best of dreams and wishes in your heart and you love your life like no one else, it takes everything away. And when you lost all your hopes and faiths and even your single heartbeat becomes unbearable for you, it asks you to live!

People around me were showing their own concerns and doubts. What I really hate about them was the sympathy, they always tried to show but no involvement and understanding. Luckily I found a few people in my neighbourhood who helped me that time. My dreams were shattered, had no desire to live but still, I decided to live on  and stay unmarried forever. And God helped me with this decision but still, sometimes incidents like these ( the photographer’s gaze) make me think a lot about my past and revise my decisions in my mind. Did I make the right choice? I still think yes, it’s just sometimes I feel awkward and incomplete, I was not lucky enough to get a suitable one in this life but that’s okay, now I am habitual of it, and for times like now, my diary, you are the closest friend I guess.

.

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